Is this a familiar scenario?

You’re standing in line outside what you hear is a cool club and the doorman, who looks like a complete asshole, is nodding in people who are infinitely less cool than you. Everyone seems to fucking know the guy. The longer you wait, the more incensed you are that you’ve now definitely, officially joined the group of people who wait in line.

An anonymous Hollywood doorman extrodonaire lends a few tips on “how to get past the asshole at the door”…

The basics.

Men should never come in groups. I don’t care how many models you have with you.

Even if I seem rude, don’t get an attitude with me. I am trying to be polite and kind but some people are just not getting in. If you’re even thinking like this, you’re probably one of them.

If I tell you the Fire Marshall has shut us down, he has.

Clothes calls.

No cowboy hats….ever. This goes for women as well as men.

Dress your best. I don’t really care that much about your particular style or whether or not you’re trendy, but I can usually tell if you are looking your best.

Men will never get past me in shorts and sandals.

Acceptance is key.

Accept the fact that you’re not getting in. Many don’t–and almost nobody actually “talks” their way in.

If I tell you we are at capacity and it looks empty, that means I am waiting for other people that I know are coming. Feel free to wait but don’t try to keep talking to me.

Not everyone watches “Whose Line is it Anyway?”

If you’re really famous or just a celebrity of some kind and I don’t recognize you or you are afraid I won’t, have somebody else tell me who you are. Don’t tell me yourself. Don’t take it personally–I just don’t watch that much TV or read celebrity magazines. I’m generally more interested in music than TV or movies.

A “friend” isn’t someone you met in passing.

If you are really a friend of a friend of mine, make sure that my friend calls me before I’m working to let me know you’re coming. If you are a friend of anybody else—say, a celebrity–I don’t care unless you are with him/her.

I’m not in the entertainment industry and I don’t care if you are.

Don’t bother showing me your business card. I have no way of knowing if it’s real or not.

Please don’t tell me that you work at CAA, UTA, The Firm or any other agency or studio. The minute I hear that, I assume you are in the mailroom all day or fetch coffee for somebody who is already inside.

Je ne comprends pas.

Please make sure that your latest movie has U.S. release. I have never been to a movie in Paris or Moscow.

My vision is 20-20.

Don’t wave your hands or yell out my name (especially if you’re not sure you have it right). I see you.

Groups of women should not bother putting the pretty ones in front. I can see you all and don’t like beautiful women who think they have a better chance than the others.

Appearances can be deceiving.

Don’t bother threatening me. It’s part of my job not to be intimidated and I usually have very big security guards very nearby even if you don’t see them.

Cagey isn’t cute.

When I ask you whose guest list you are on, tell me. If you are on a guest list, you know it and I know that. If you are not on the guest list, tell me.

If the price is right…

If you’re going to offer me money, don’t try to palm it. Talk to me first–and don’t talk to me for less than $100 per person. I’m busy even if I don’t look busy.

Offer me sex and mean it. I know the difference.