most times i enjoy the super awesome silence at this hour.usually its my favorite time of day.but i am feeling like a girl who had too little sleep because the pilot light was out and the lock on the door is broken and i love my erly mornings and ilove excersisng right now..and because of aforementioned inconviences..i am freezing..exhausted ..and irritable due to the fact that i have no energy to run my head chatter away.mutherfuck.

oh yeah ..and i’m annoyed that i too tired to write more than the next few blurbs about how amazing my evening was last night: was monumental event-

b called early about mtg for dinner  latelate -she was very vague, about who etc..but i say yes yes yes..she texts later.. 9 @ cobras.Par Usuale, i arrive late but they’re not even seated .. standing at the bar. All drinking a bottle of white wine.

A friend of j’s whom i ve heard about forever is there also..very nice ..i small talk with her…j and i do our banter with b playing in abit.then i awkwardly- but with confidence- ask ” should i be getting a redbull or a glass( for the wine)?

j is visibly NERVOUS and he straigtens his shoulders as he rolls into dad mode and says “no.nope..i am not comfortable..yet.ok?ok?u understand?”   stern pleading,if u will.

i say “i will respect your answer..” -meaning: ok..but not cause i think i shouldnt or anyone else should ever be asked if I can have a drink..BUT only because i love and respect you. and you are clearly uncomfortable..is it  ok;

and this is a large moment for me…Cause in this relationship, i am the kid , always..and This was sassy and he starts trying to re-assert positions by immeadiately, shmaing me by asking “have u quit smoking ?”

i tell him i ve had 4 or something..”i asked u if you quit..have u quit?”

me:”no..i have had only….” he cuts in w/a smile “ill accept your quit smoking if u accept my awkwardness ..and need for time before i see u drink.”

it was a cute method of disarming me.

But all the guests, of his, that didnt know us..are like…huh? and all  tentatively laughing at the nonsense? wisdom…? logic? what the hell…but i just look at the smirker and i say “yes” he laughs and i laugh .fer real.

oc looks kinda scared like:which one is crazy? or pissed ?or are they laughing for real?and what the fuck is this about???

j says “im not making sense”, i say,” and im agreeing cause i know better than to argue your backasswerds logic”

everyone laughs.but a much lighter relaxed version-

i continue”because i may look and feel smug or correct NOW..but you somehow end up ‘right.. always. so i say YES now to save the time”

..at this point the friend from oc is so confused.probably thinks we all have some sex bsdm thing or somehing.but we r all laughing..and i am feeling good.what looked like a power play moment was a way of j trying to protect his friendship with me-it was authentic & childlike protection.he was scared of losing this.just like i have been scared.i understand now, i feel VERY loved in this moment and the dinner was so nice and full and long .oh yeah…i almost forgot, as i went to order a coke..J told the guy to bring me a glass.we broke bread fer real tonight.i got to sit at the grownup table this evening.it was cool.